Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
