In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
