At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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