Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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