I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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