and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
