Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
