We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
