I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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