if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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