if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
