you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He shit in the fireplace
there is puke in my bra ... again
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