this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
