I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
