I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
