advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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