im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
