it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize