What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
