He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
