Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
