I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize