sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Shame is for Republicans.
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