when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
