the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
