it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
what day is it and did you see me today?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize