woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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