I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
