i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
