And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
