I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
