he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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