I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
