I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
