He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
