Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
