god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
