I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
