Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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