Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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