How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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