Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
