I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
