highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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