drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
