I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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