Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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