I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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