its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I pour the whiskey from now on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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