Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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