worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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