There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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