Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
