Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize