My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize