Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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