One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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