Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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