I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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