Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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