There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize