My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Randomize
