Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
