Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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